only thin layer of spandex is between me and death!!!

phobia confession time!!!!

I have a major phobia of......dun dun dun..........betcha cant guess what it is.............the suspense grows........dun dun......dun dun........dun dun(jaws theme).......its..............its..................no it couldnt be.............its.....................

WATER!!!!!

Now, pools are ok. Its lakes, rivers, and oceans that are a problem. I made Jay hold onto my hand when we went snorkeling in Hawaii so I wouldnt float away...and get swept up by the current and dragged out to sea and DIE!!
Lakes are just creepy! With that blackish-green water and no way to tell exactly how deep it is. Not to mention lake monsters. Hello! Nessy could be real!
Rivers are just death waiting to happen! Winding channels of water that could drag you to your death at any second with their white water. How do you know when your floating down a river with a life jacket pulled up over your chin('cause they move!!!) when your going to plunge off a 100 foot water fall into sharp jagged rocks? Huh? how are you supposed to know?

Which brings me to where my sister went to youth conference. She went to Moab and went river rafting. She loved it!!! Absolutely loved it! I think she has a crush on the boat man named Kyler.
Anywho, Ashley cant swim! And she went anyway. You frickin crazy person! They DID get knocked out of the boat and into a rapid. Just the word RAPID sounds scary. Youre supposed to point your feet down river and lay back and you will apparently be guided to safety by some magic water fairies. BS!!! If I was going to fall out of a boat whilst tossing around in dangerous water I'm not going to remember to point my pretty little feet down stream and lay back!!! I am going to be sucking water into my lungs while trying to spew out blood curtling screams for the water fairies to save me! While tossing and flaling my arms about my life jacket will slip over my head and I will be a sitting duck.

I dont like the idea of having a thin layer of spandex-poly blend the only thing in between me and death. No amount of foam in a jacket will save my big butt! Especially if I am panicing.
Ya wanna know what else could happen while river rafting that scares the poop out of me? What if I'm doing really good and paddling as hard as I can and some idiot knocks me in the head with his paddle and I fly out into the water with a high rate of velocity(because we're going through a rapid and tossing the boat in many wild directions) and crack my head on one of those jagged rocks jutting out from the river bed? What happens then? What will happen when I lose consciousness from a closed brain injury and suck water in as my last reflex? Death!

I know your sayin' Jay or some big man like the boat guide will save you. Nope, they wont. They wont be able to find me because my lifeless drowning body will be tossing around in water where it never should have been. Plus, I dont think Jay would be able to swim hard enough to even get us to shore. No one is strong enough to swim through rough currents like those. Not even Heman-Jay. I know he would try his hardest and never give up on finding my water logged body and then he would get tired and bang his head on a rock and drown too. Then my children would be orphans. ORPHANS!!!

So Ashley survived. She even thought that was fun!....psycho. Everyone kept telling me that I would love it. But I've got my eye on them because they have to be losing their marbles to even think I would love such a thing. Nope. Spandex has never saved me. I dont trust it. Spandex is the devil by the way. It always makes me look cheesy(like cottage cheese). Why would I trust something made from the devils cloth itself to save my precious life? Nope. Spendex equals death!.........and bonking your head on rocks.