This blog is going to be very blunt and maybe traumatic to you readers. But, this how I truly feel and whats really going on behind the "happy mask" that is Aerial. If you dont want to read a depressing rant dont read any further.
Youve been warned, this is not happy or funny.
K, I guess you want to know whats really going on. First, I write like I'm talking to someone, usually a best friend or my husband. I know there is a term for this but I cant remember if its second person, conversationalism, or what. Which leads me into my lack of memory lately. Throughout my life I have blocked out whole summers and big chunks of my life. I dont know why. I just dont remember anything. I dont remember a few times that I went to girls camp with church. I honestly cannot recall the whole summer of 1999 and 2001. There are also pieces missing from my childhood(pre teenage angst). I dont think I've sustained anything too traumatizing in my 25 years of existence. But who knows.
Second, I think I'm crazy. Seriously. Lately I have been having a really hard time dealing with anything. The littlest things are sending me into meltdowns. Maybe I'm bipolar. There is some depression going on for sure. But you dont get anxiety without some sort of depression. Yesterday I balled all day. I cried for absolutely no reason, and could not stop. There are some stressers in my life. I think there is something wrong with my baby. Shes almost 2 and hasnt started walking. In fact, her movement has been decreasing. She isnt able to hold herself upright without bracing her hands on the floor, she doesnt crawl very fast, her right foot seems to drag when I stand her up and walk her, and shes cocking her head to the side all the time now. All bad signs for development. I am so worried about her that I feel like I cant even breathe. The doctor called out of the blue to make sure we bring her in on the 25th. What kind of doc calls a patient out of the blue?.....ok, a good one. But that says the doc is concerned, which I knew. But it made me completely freak out! Like seriously, I got on the couch and didnt move for like 4 hours. Gage watched cartoons, which I hate myself for. I should be playing with him and engaging him in stimulating activities. And Kelty slept on my side until Jay got home. Then he took over because I was so completley crazy that I just slept. Then I called in sick to work.
The day I planted roses I was happy. The next day, cried all day. Today(Thursday), depressed and borred. I did nothing and felt sad all day. I'm not just sad, I get really angry and yell at my children. I scream at Gage and tell him to shutup. I'm starting to cry right now. No child deserves to be screamed at, let alone to be told to shutup by their mother. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I cant even get out of bed. I can hear my baby crying in the other room because she wants to get out of her crib. But I just cant move some days.
I wake up depressed alot. I think to myself, wow you are so fat and ugly. No wonder Jay doesnt make a move more often. He thinks your gross. I honestly dont know if thats true. It even sounds absurd to me. But I seriously cant think through it sometimes, actually 90% of the time. I hate the way I look. I am disgusted with myself. I want so badly to wear all my cute clothes. But theyre all too small.
And what is up with this paranoia? I'm getting increasignly paranoid. I think that some of my work friends are talking crap and going to the boss and I'm going to get fired. Thats scaring me. Are they all really talking crap about me?
I cant stand this! The wierd thing is that I am aware that I'm depressed. I need help. I looked at LDS social services and I am going to get counseling or medication or something. Its effecting my job and is becoming debilitating. I feel all these horrible feelings and cant get out of the funk. Maybe if I can work out some of these "issues" I will be happier. In the meantime I'm trying to make life for everyone around me a little more pleasant. Thanks for all you that still stick with me even though I am a rage filled *@&!@# at times.
Most of all, thankyou Jay. Thanks for being my rock. Thanks for always being there and standing by your crazy wife. Thankyou for crying with me the other day. I think I'll pull through this with some help.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hey, if you ever need me then just call. You have my number right? Don't think that this is just out of concern or whatnot. I mean it is, but I completely understand what you are going through believe me. And I hate people looking at me and thinking 'oh you poor soul, come here so I can pity you' LOL.
ReplyDeleteI guess I do have good reason for feeling the way that you described but still.. there's a difference between being upset over life events and being this depressed, and I can sympathize with every symptom you have. Maybe some of yours are worse then mine and vice versa but I'm familiar with them all. I really really hope your baby is ok. That is a good reason for everything to get to you. I don't have any kids of my own but dang if I don't get pissed when people tell me that I don't understand because of that. You know me. :D
Another problem that I have is I try to work out my issues.. my weight, my lack of future, etcetc.. but I can never follow through with it. I do great, then I get bummed and stop. Where is it printed that exercising causes depression? Nowhere. In fact they say that it's supposed to make you feel GOOD. But I just cry. !
Depressing entries or not, post if anything is helping or whatnot. I could use some good hints and I care about what's going on with you. I hope everything goes well! Also know that I read every entry of yours just like you said you read mine. It's just for some reason when I read them at work the comment feature doesn't work there and I forget to comment by the time I get home. I have literally written reminders to myself to comment on some of your blogs. When this one came up thou, I refused to read it until I was at home so I wouldn't forget to comment. :) You should post pics of your kids, I don't know what they look like. ttyl!
*Twilight is out tomorrow!* :D
WE love you so Much! Know that we're here for you.
ReplyDelete